What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Chicken 345: it was in the closet this whole time
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Celebrating the invisible wins.
This week wasn’t so much about what got done as it was about giving myself a hundred billion sparklepoints for not hiding.
Given all the big stuff going on for me right now — exiting the playground, my home, and my city, figuring out what I want to do and where I want to live, knee injury, my relationship with writing and dance, what if six months in a tiny camper with the boy I like ruins our beautiful sexy NARBAR (Not A Relationship / Better than A Relationship), what if I don’t have the things I need, what is my plan for money if I’m not working aaaaaaah scary, and what if I don’t get anything accomplished on sabbatical (which is hilarious, because not-accomplishing is the point) and what if I sit with the void and get no answers and come back poor and knowing nothing (even more hilarious, because look how many answers I got on the six weeks in the desert), or what if I get too many answers and they scare me (my love, you will get the just right answers in the just right timing), etc etc…
Well, given all this, I think I am doing okay.
Amazingly, I did not spend this week hiding under the covers or watching all the cop shows on Hulu (though if I did, that would be legitimate and understandable).
The monsters are of the opinion that not hiding in bed isn’t an “accomplishment”. No. I say it is. I did things this week that were not hiding when I had every reason to hide!
And I gave myself a hundred trillion sparklepoints every time I didn’t hide. Also when I did hide, because hiding is choosing safety, and this is important.
Next time I might…
Light the candles.
And all other forms of [enjoy this now instead of saving it for some later date that I deem more worthy].
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The last day of Playground. Farewell, sweet playground, love of my life. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. A breath for walking out the door — the magical door — of my favorite place in the world for the very last time.
- My knee is still on and off. It likes to walk again, which is wonderful, however it finds sitting in any position to be painful. It’s pretty much only happy when I’m moving. This makes it hard to write. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- Waiting to hear back from [person] about [situation], and feeling distress about this. A breath for remembering that we both want the same thing: to be heard, to be safe, to find a good solution.
- Ahahahahahaha how do you pack for half a year on the road when you don’t really know where you’ll be going or what you’ll be doing but you definitely won’t be places where you can acquire certain things should you need them. A breath for trust, trust, trust, trust and more trust, and for the superpower of I Am A Grand Adventuress who does things In A Grand Fashion.
- Monsters criticizing me from all sides in a gigantic Monster Wedding. The groom’s side, which is all about How Come You’re Not Resting You’re Supposed To Be On Sabbatical Look At You Doing Stupid Work Crap All The Time, and then the bride’s family which is more like No You Need To Focus And Get Shit Done You Are Leaving For SIX MONTHS In A Couple Of Days And You Aren’t Even Packed And You Have No Plan And This Is A Disaster. Gigantic monster wedding! A breath for how stressful (and confusing) this is.
- Old patterns and habits, and the need to push for pellets when I know that pellet-pushing does not bring me joy. A breath for me.
- Bureaucratic nightmare with healthcare provider sucked up six hours of this week. I’m paying double, because of a mistake that is not mine, and they won’t refund, and I’ve spent way too much time sorting it out, and they are gaslighting me so hard, saying they have no record of letters they sent me, but claiming to have sent a letter that said the opposite. A breath for safe passage, and for trying new things in the video game.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Spent the weekend with my lover after our eight days apart, and it was full of sweetness. And now we will get to have this sweetness every day on the road. A breath for smiling like dopes.
- My knee feels really good when I’m walking, no more twinges. Stairs are better. I can bounce and even jump (gingerly). As long as I don’t sit for very long, it’s good. This is big improvement. A breath of love for my body.
- The beautiful boy cleared out the Playground for me. A breath of deep appreciation and gratitude, full heart of joy.
- Amazingly, I did not fall apart this week. Not even sure how that happened given all that was going on. A breath for miracles.
- The Switch aka the Swoop aka the Secret Sword Society. A breath for how wonderful it is.
- Leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months on the road. It is happening! We were supposed to leave yesterday for Eugene but there was a situation, so now this happens today. Going to spend my birthday tomorrow with the beautiful boy and with Svevo, my favorite uncle (favorite everything), and with some of my favorite trees. Then we will be back in Portland for a few days to take care of some last missions, and then we are on the road. So we get a long slow sexy entry into Shmita, which is exactly what I needed. A breath for this grand adventure.
- Each week in the Wishes aka Very Personal Ads, I plant a wish called Past Me Is A Genius. This helps me recognize the treasure in past experience, and remember that even the decisions I doubt and second-guess were right, because they gave me intel about what I don’t want. This week the shower curtain liner ripped, and I remembered how it took forever to research an eco-friendly, PVC-free, not plasticky-smelling, inexpensive solution, but couldn’t remember how I solved this. Guess what? Turns out past me bought a replacement, a spare, and I forgot about it. It was hiding in the linen closet, and tumbled out while I was packing towels for the trip. A breath for remembering that I am provided for, and sometimes it is even me doing the providing.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Amye took me on an op! Danielle and I got Regrounded. Someone knocked at the door at night and I didn’t fall apart this time. I used ten pound weights, and my arms said okay for three minutes! Warm, friendly, helpful people have been assisting me in the healthcare op. The cherry blossoms and daffodils and even early magnolia blossoms: so pretty. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
I somehow did all the things, without falling apart. The provisions have been acquired. The dates have been set. The Provisioning Map (packing list). And we are off! And by off, I mean, leaving town, but I also mean time off, and I also mean turning off. Except, and this is the funny part, we are leaving and then coming back and then leaving again, so we aren’t so much off as we are testing out what off feels like. Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of knowing that something sad can also be joyful and, more important, it can be right.
I also had a small taste of Want What You Have! And I had the superpowers of Jade Colored Toenails, the superpower of finding good clues, and the superpower of knowing when my housemate wants a hug.
Powers I want.
The power of releasing the need to have things be Just So, and Seeing Beauty In The Messiness.
And I want the superpower of Delighting In Commercial Breaks. Like, yay I can take eight breaths now. Or yay, I can notice if there were any glitches or reactions for me. Or yay, perfect time for a compass. And commercial breaks can be any form of waiting, like waiting for a bus or waiting in line, or whatever it is, the places and spaces where I try to fill time instead of being with time.
The Salve of Delighting In Waiting.
This salve sweetens everything. It turns an unexpected time out into a time in.
When I wear this salve, I remember to look for clues, to look up, to savor the red lights instead of wishing they were green.
All of a sudden what first appeared to be an impasse or an imposition turns into a secret gift: time for me to notice the cool breath entering my nostrils and the way it exits warmer, to touch in, to feel my feet on the ground, to let go of things that need letting go, to touch my skin and say “hi, I have missed you, but I am here now”.
It isn’t so much waiting as it is readying myself, making tiny adjustments, choosing away from tightness and towards joy. And then I don’t mind waiting, because I remember that All Timing Is Right Timing. And as I soften, so do the things that were causing the wait.
This salve has a marvelous spreading effect. When you wear it, everyone around you benefits from it too!
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Digital Dust-Up, they play twangy cowboy versions of bollywood songs and, as it turns out, they’re actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Vroom Vroom You’re There
Vroom Vroom You’re There
The Ann Arbor Transit Authority, now the Ann Arbor Area Transit Authority, the AAATA, also known, sort of, as The Ride, has tried out some awkward and unfortunate slogans over the years, if my high school memory serves.
I believe Vroom Vroom You’re There was short-lived.
Certainly it was embarrassing. High-school-me is probably still rolling her eyes.
The phrase lives on in my head though, as I think it whenever I work on a project.
Vroom! Vroom! I’m there.
Vulnerability.
I am making peace, slowly, with vulnerability and its powers.
Vulnerability is a door to many beautiful things.
Or as I realized several years ago while naked hot-tubbing with a bunch of strangers in broad daylight a few blocks from my office, because Portland is Portland, you can’t get more naked once you’re naked.
There is a strength in being unhidden.
There is a steadiness in being the person who puts cards on the table.
Visibility.
See also: Vulnerability.
This is also related to the question what needs to be illuminated.
And the principle of Safety First, which is at the very core of the practice of self-fluency.
Verb.
Over the past four years, I [verb]-ed FIFTY ONE Rallies, and never found a verb for it.
I have no interest in being a guru, a leader, in charge, at the front.
I want to be a secret teacher who leads through modeling curiosity and self-inquiry. Using my own practice to reveal some of the concepts, tools and doors that I use to turn inward and get my answers, so other people can turn inward and find theirs.
I don’t want people to think their results are because of me.
I want to create environments and cultures that are so full of safety and sovereignty, magic and play, that people can do their own self-investigation, their own rewriting of patterns.
And instead of thinking this is all because “well, Havi is amazing”, they can see what is actually happening, and be awed by their own playful wisdom.
The magic of Rally, as far as I was concerned is that Rally was the teacher, not me.
Rally verbs itself. Vroom vroom. You’re there.
Voyage.
I like the word voyage more than path.
Voyages are adventures, voyages can change, voyages take you places and when you are done, you are somehow more you than you were before.
How we prepare for the voyage and enter it — enter as you wish to be in it — changes how you experience it.
The other day Kat invoked the superpower of Vivid Voyaging. I can’t wait to find out what that’s like.
Also I wrote this post a while ago, and whenever I have a mostly-written post that I don’t want to send out into the world, there is always a reason. It invariably turns out I needed to wait for a new piece of intel for my words to be ready to be shared.
As soon as I saw the words vivid and voyaging together, I knew it was the right time to reconnect with V.
I am embarking on my own voyage this week, the biggest one: Shmita, and many (six?) months of road trip with the boy, asking questions and giving them to the desert and the mountains and the stars. It’s my time to go be with the void.
And vivid, yes, vivid. That is how I want to voyage.
Vibration.
There are a surprising number of lovely and magical qualities that begin with V, and they vibrate:
Vastness.
Veracity and Voice.
Vibrancy and Vibration.
Visibility and Vision.
Vitality and Vivacity.
Voluptuousness.
Victory.
Veritas.
More V words…
Vigilance. Ventriloquist. Vent. Vapor.
Vector. Velocity. View.
Viable. Vixen. Victuals. Venerate.
Voluminous. Velvet.
Vacation.
I wish I could find my Rally notebook from Rally V, from the year of alphabet rallies, because I think there are many more I’ve forgotten.
The notebook might have fallen into the vortex.
Oh! Speaking of the vortex, as one does…
Would you like to use the vortex stone?
At the Playground we had a vortex stone, of course.
It started out as kind of an inside joke, because we used to have a gigantic blanket fort called Blanket Fort George. Because its name was George.
But also because of this Fort George, and the brewery there makes a beer called Vortex, and it was in that brewery drinking that beer that I had a series of Very Life-Changing Epiphanies.
Anyway, the vortex stone is a very special piece of Playground memorabilia. It symbolizes adventure, the unknown, voyaging, sitting with the stillness of the void and receiving beautiful and unexpected answers that startle you and make you laugh.
The way you use the vortex stone is by holding it in your hand (or imagine holding it in your hand), and saying I am here.
I gave the stone to Lucky Lola, who spent the last beautiful day of Playground with me.
The vortex is the beautiful void that we avoid. Or maybe it’s the door into that. The door that opens when Shiva dances the dance of destruction and deconstruction, so that the new spaces can be revealed.
You sit with the vortex (vortices!), and then vroom vroom you’re there.
Vs
The V is also…vaginal, speaking of the magic of the vortex, and of things that are diamonds and treasure and vestibules and doors and full of sweetness.
Mmmm. VESTIBULE. What a delicious word. A vestibule is both practical and magical. And sexy.
And it can be a place out in the world in a building (external space), or in the body (internal space), and I am very interested in the relationship between internal and external space, and changing one to change the other. That is the essence of what I do. That is my work as a bell, and as a Havi.
And, get this, it is also: “a chamber or channel communicating with or opening into another, in particular”. Uh huh. Is it getting hot in here?
Vestibules also make me think of Chandler Bing, and I’ve had a gigantic crush on him forever.
So it is all about vestibules, and this is how I shall refer to my downstairs bodyparts (thank you, Secret Agent Purple, for that perfect phrase) forever forth.
Vestibule. Yes yes yes yes yes. Mmmmm.
V is other things as well.
V is also 5!
V is also half of a diamond. If you put an upside-down V on top of a right-side-up V, you get a diamond! See? Treasure.
V is fingers saying VICTORY.
V is fingers saying PEACE.
V is also half of a W, if you put two Vs side by side.
V is the bottom half of a heart shape.
V is also the shape of the formation that birds fly in, it allows them to take turns resting. Strongest most capable me to the front of the V while the other parts of me rest!
Rest is the key to getting places.
May it be so! And come play with me.
This has been a meditation on words that begin with V.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with V, go for it.
You are invited to be a dork about words with me! You can also throw more V words into the pot, or peek over here for more V words. Like vacuefy, veilleuse, ventripotent, and volitorial.
And of course, if you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, help yourself.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: there is enough and there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with V, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish 295: bell exits / exit bells
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
Exits.
The day before yesterday, Saturday, February 28 aka the day of leap, this was the last day of Playground.
The Playground is the center I opened in Portland five years ago. Five-years-minus-two-months. It is the thing I am most proud of having brought into this world, and the place where I feel the most joyful, safe, creative, held, loved.
And now it is gone.
I am in Portland for four more days but will not visit. In fact, I plan to avoid the street altogether, except for a mission with the ninja, and stopping by Back To Eden bakery to acquire delicious savory baked goods sans gluten to take on the road.
All timing is right timing, and this timing is especially right timing.
Saturday was the right day for the last day because:
- Erev Shmita, or Shmita Eve.The evening before the first day of my year of fallow fields.
- Goodbye playground and hello Secret S-word Society aka the Swoop aka the Switch is the perfect, well, switch. An ending into a beginning.
- The Playground told me this was the day and the time, and how to exit.
- The beautiful boy took the last furnishings and rugs and lamps out of the Playground and onto his truck, and I don’t want to see the space completely bare. I want to remember it in my last moments there, my last conducting/shavasana on my favorite red rug by my favorite lamp.
- Reasons that I don’t know yet and possibly may never know, because this is a secret op and I only have clearance for so much intel. Need to know basis. That’s how this works. All I need to know is that I am being led, and my only job in life is to follow what is indicated and trust that all is well. Literally right now that is my only job. And even when I go back to other jobs, that is the only important job. Knowing this is one of the many gifts of the Playground.
Gifts.
I was in shavasana, on the red rug where I have spent so many hours in yoga, in naps, in soaring bliss and in deep peaceful quiet. And I was crying a little, overwhelmed by the ending, and by how much the playground loves me, and what will I do without being able to be there.
I reminded myself of what we always say on the last day of retreat: once you have played at the playground, it lives in you forever. A blueprint in every cell. You can’t lose this.
I cried and listened to the playground, and the playground said:
I brought you the [situation that forced you out], this is my gift to you even if it may not look like one. Think of it as the most loving way I could bump you out of the nest and get you to fully commit to the road. I knew you didn’t want to leave me, so I invited a situation that would make you want to leave.
And then I felt full of peacefulness, and in that moment the boy sat down next to me and took my hand in his very gently, and his hand was so warm, and I could feel his heart full of sweetness, the way he just holds peace and calm for me, and the playground said:
I brought you this too. I brought you this boy, and I have brought you every wish you have ever made here in these five years of wishing. If any haven’t arrived yet, they’re on the way.
I have fulfilled your wishes, all of them, sometimes in forms that seem different than what were imagining, because that was right. And now I am coming with you, so we will still be together. Talk to me whenever you want.
All the superpowers of the playground are yours. Happy Shmita. I love you and am with you always.
I have two stones next to me.
Hand-painted by Richard. One stone was a gift for me when I became a bell, the other was made for a voyage that went somewhere unexpected.
One says exit and one says bell.
These are my clues and my companions right now.
I am the bell of exiting. This is the bell of exit, this is the exit bell.
Exit with bells. Exit the bell. Exit as a bell. Ring the bell of exits.
Right now my secret agent name is Bell West. Bell is for resonance, and also Bell is my middle name, and bell as a verb. And west because West in the compass is GLOW, which is the visual form of resonating. And west in my new compass is CLARITY, and I want to be a bell of clarity.
And west is the western united states which is where I will be on Shmita: Utah, Nevada, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and South Dakota. This is the territory of Operation True Yes aka Rosh Tzalul.
And there is more intel I haven’t received yet about why Bell and West and Exit…
I am Bell West, the Exit Bell and the Bell of Exits.
The last thing.
The last thing I did at the Playground before exiting, was to ring the bell that hangs from the magical elevator shaft, and then I took the bell with me.
Actually that was the third-to-last thing.
As I approached the door for the last time, I paused to remove the sign that says exit as you wish to continue, and tucked it into my bag. As I was doing this, I suddenly noticed that the wallpaper covering the inside of the door glass is POMEGRANATES with beautiful CROWNS.
How is it possible that for [five years minus two months] I have looked at pomegranates every day, multiple times a day, and only this year recognized that this is the symbol for everything I want in my life and business, and only now realized that past-me planted this clue for me to find.
I have always just thought it was a pretty pattern and never really looked at it. I laughed, as I have so many times at the Playground, in so many startling and hilarious moments of realization.
Agent Annabelle, who has rallied at Rally many, many times says, “Geniuses like to leave fun clues for themselves to discover later. For the fun!” This makes me laugh too.
So many gifts, so many clues.
One of the first things that went into the Playground was a full size tree decal on the wall. When I peeled off all the leaves on Saturday, I discovered that if you change their orientation, they are diamonds. This whole time I thought the tree was to remind me about grounding, but it was also to remind me about treasure.
And when I took the last piece of the playground — a giant bulletin board, a piece of paper I have never seen before slipped from the back of it and onto the floor.
A white piece of paper with a watercolor painting of a flower and the words Thank You.
What is my wish? What do I want?
My new mysterious project for Shmita is to become a playground.
To learn the quiet art of becoming a playground.
To carry the essence of playground with me so that everywhere I go I am grounded and playful and charged up with magic and fully aware of how deeply loved I am. Just like when I am conducting on the floor of the playground, held in love.
And I want to learn how to work without working (oh right, that’s what play is, that’s why I made a playground), and how to do without overdoing, or really, how to do without doing.
And also to release resentment/frustration about the [monsternumber] of things that need attention before I climb into the boy’s truck and set off on the road for this adventure.
What do I know about becoming/being a playground?
- I skip stones!
- I rest before I need rest
- there is always tea and snacks
- rich sumptuous colors and textures, sexy deep reds and oranges
- I play with identity and invite in new aspects of me just like at rally
- I delight in being barefoot or wearing the comfiest socks
- spirals spirals spirals
- I walk around and blow bubbles and receive clues (sometimes I walk backwards)
- conducting and clearing out (whoosh, to the elevator shaft!)
- clear firm glowing boundaries
- only inviting in things that are beautiful
- humming and glowing and filling up on love
- bells
What do I know about what I want?
If I believe/remember that it is already done, I can just be it.
And if I forget how to believe/remember, I can pretend that it has already happened and then I can reverse-engineer and figure out how I might have gotten there.
Now.
Something we always say at Rally is “change your place change your luck”, which is kind of like going widdershins.
And today I was deep in Nothing Is Working, and overwhelmed because my house is full of Playground things, and so I am hiding out in the guest room, and it is so peaceful there, and everything is better now.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Let’s have an RGW (Replenishing Glass of Water)
Me: (drinks)
She: Look at all the aliveness around you. Just from where you are sitting you can see three plants, two flowers, trees outside. There is so much life in this life. All the things you are worried about are distractions and maya (illusion). Choose to be part of this flourishing of life. Plants and flowers are not caught up in doing. Choose things that remind you about breath and pleasure.
Clues?
Agent Anna saw a sign that says “ATTENTION! Bell will ring without warning.”
She sent me a picture. I love this so much. I am also a bell who will ring without warning.
The superpower of delighting in plenty
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar was APPRECIATE and the superpower was I See Beauty Everywhere.
Now we are in March, and the quality is RECEIVE, with the superpower of delight in plenty.
They go together so seamlessly for me. This past week I was really starting to feel Appreciation kicking in, and something opened in my heart from all those thank-yous, and now I am ready to fill up on Receiving.
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. Ha, this doesn’t require my input! My business is thriving happily without me. I think like a dancer. It’s so perfect it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and appreciate it. I am fearless and confident. I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, not a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive.
Things I find helpful when working with intentions and wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka follow me through the rubble…
What a big upheaval of a week, and what a perfect wish. The shitstorm resolved itself (or maybe it didn’t and I just don’t care?), I took the exit sign and said thank you, and I no longer think the wallet is ugly. Also I now see why the thing that looked like destruction is actually treasure.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
If you want a handmade buttmonster from the Playground, we have a few left: $22 + $5.95 shipping = $27.95
If you want a Playground mug and a pack of stone skipping cards: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Just send a note and we’ll set it up. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox
Chicken 344: And Smash
It is Friday Saturday and we are here.
{a breath for the Chicken showing up when it’s ready.}
What worked this week?
Giving up!
Thursday night at around midnight I was still working. And very annoyed. Not only about the latest frustrating challenge keeping me up, but also about all the other similar midnights I’ve been through.
My business will be ten years old on Saturday.
That’s ten years of saying “okay, this is the last time it will be like this, just one last push and then we’re done”. I did not like this thought.
This was a rough week for me, in a lot of ways, and I was imagining sitting down to write the chicken and instead just saying: YOU KNOW WHAT NOTHING WORKED THIS WEEK BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS STUPID AND AWFUL THE END.
Band of the week: Ugh. Salve: Screw Everything. Superpower: Giving Up.
So I was sitting there thinking, “I give up, I give up, I give up, I can’t do this anymore.”
But then this switch happened and I suddenly felt so joyful about this! Like, HEY WAIT A MINUTE! I COULD JUST GIVE UP! OHMYGOD! I GET TO GIVE UP!
And suddenly that felt amazing. I mean, that’s the essence of Shmita. Giving up on things that are not working is releasing, which is what I want to be doing anyway.
Next time I might…
Give up sooner.
And surround myself with people who support this. Yeah! Give up!
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- My knee isn’t healed enough to dance, and I’m missing Rose City Swing, a dance convention taking place this weekend in Portland, something I’ve been looking forward to for the past year. This is the worst. I mean, I know that this is not my bus, because if it were my bus I’d be on it. And I know that it is good for me right now to be away from the competitive, comparison-heavy mentality of the dance world. It’s just hard for me to trust this right now. So. A breath for trust, patience, healing.
- The nightmares are back. A breath for rewriting, and for restful sleep.
- Consulting with lawyers about the distressing thing in my work space. A breath for remembering that sometimes the right door is an exit.
- Working on projects and waiting for other people to get back to me with critical intel. The ball is in all the courts but mine. A breath for trusting in right timing, and for the sovereign superpower of calmly and warmly requesting updates.
- Somehow we didn’t save vital posts from last year’s Floop (my online community) when everything got erased during Dry Dock. And the backup disappeared. And the 2013 backup is the an old version and anyway we couldn’t re-install, and the Secret Sword Society is embarking this weekend and suddenly we din’t have any of the orientation material. We uploaded it somewhere else but that still meant sorting through THIRTY THOUSAND POSTS. After about a million hours, we finally found the search terms that worked, but it’s still the old material without my rewrites, ugh. Speaking of millions of hours, my entire week was like that. For example, I thought a project would take two hours so I allotted three, plus an additional two hours to get in the right headspace for doing it. Nope, it took NINE HOURS. This whole week was just one long frustrating experience of everything being infinitely more complicated than I wanted it to be, and re-doing the work I’d already done. A breath for this.
- I didn’t get to see my lover this week at all, partly because he was sick and mostly because we are both working our asses off so that we can hit the road for Operation True Yes. Except what is the point of being in the same city with the person you want to be near if you never see them, and what is the point of working towards LATER if you can’t be together now, and anyway, I don’t believe in later. A breath for me.
- So many endings. A breath for saying goodbye with love, and for new eyes so I can find the treasure and enjoy the beautiful beginnings taking form.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My knee is doing better this week. Actually my knee no longer hurts at all, just parts of my lower leg, on and off, depending on many things but mostly my mood. It’s still not predictable enough to test it out on the dance floor, but I am walking with ease, and stairs don’t bother me anymore. A breath of love for my body for being so clear about what it needs.
- Long talks with my lover (by text because we haven’t seen each other in eight stupid days) about what we want to be doing with our lives. A breath for insight, sweetness, seeing new paths forming.
- Spend most of this week at the Playground, soaking up its love and magic, resting in the hammock, looking at the ceiling, listening. A breath for being loved, because I have never felt more loved than when I am there letting it love me.
- So much joy and appreciating for things in my life that are beautiful. Usually when I’m going through a rough time, I can’t see any of this, but right now even in the hard, I am enjoying so much. The sensation of my feet on the ground, my marvelously comfortable shoes, the miracle of taking a bath, the wonderful thing that is moisturizer, the taste of this tea. A breath for the superpower of enjoying what is.
- While I was panicking about [Situation], my wonderful friend Alon gave me some of the best counsel I’ve ever received on the topic of NO, LISTEN, THIS IS ALL GOOD. Which is also what the Playground told me: “There is no bad news here, there is only being Redirected towards something more congruent.” A breath for remembering this, and for finding the treasure.
- In five days I am leaving for Operation True Yes aka Operation Rosh Tzalul (clear head) aka six months in a camper with a boy, being places that are not Portland, and uncovering, I hope, what I want to do next and where I want to live, and what this all might look like. A breath for a grand adventure.
- The thing that looked like the biggest obstacle might in fact be the most beautiful exit. A breath for saying SWITCH, and having everything switch.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Lira is in town! My suitcase arrived! I have new glasses for the first time in nine years. The cherry blossoms are going crazy and it smells like spring. Emptying out. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Good grief this week. I did more ops than I can even remember. Got the Secret Sword Society ready, on schedule! Emptied out even more of the Playground. Wrote a very hard letter. Met with the attorney. The Munich op is taken care of. Got the necessary provisions for Operation True Yes. It’s happening! Thank you fractal flowers. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
There are two kinds of asking why…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Knowing That I Am Okay.
Powers I want.
I will take the power of Completely Trusting The Adventure, along with Paying Attention To What I Want And Need, and also Delighting In Surprise Exits.
The Salve of Screw Everything: Giving Up!
Normally I think of this in terms of Letting Go, or Releasing, but Screw Everything Giving Up is about reaching the point where you realize you just don’t want to do something anymore.
It is a combination of the sweet softening of Surrender, with the bold, clear, firm deep body knowing of saying Not Going To Do This, Dammit.
This salve has a cooling, calming effect. It establishes boundaries. When this salve touches my skin, I can feel not only my internal space change, but how my immediate external space changes as well. It becomes more defined. The space around me sparkles.
It is a joyful giving up, because I realize that I don’t have to do [it] anymore. The [it] that I don’t have to do might be a pattern, or a way of thinking. A behavior, an approach, a belief, a chore, a way of doing or a way of being. Whatever it is, I don’t have to do it, and I don’t have to do it that way.
This is a salve of options because when I decide to give up, new doors open for me.
Or maybe they were already there but I couldn’t see them because I was still trying to hammer at [it] instead of giving up.
When I wear this salve, I breathe more peacefully, and suddenly I am smiling and I don’t quite know why. This salve is comforting like chamomile, but it also has a zing of possibility to it. I never knew giving up could be so much fun, but it’s kind of celebratory, who knew.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Amye and it’s called Husband And Smash, their latest album is Do You Take This Smash, and it is a very loud band with a gigantic drum set that plays in a completely not-soundproofed room, and yes, it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
They help, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
The page is many years old and needs rewriting! Copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office filled with thank you notes, and most of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Wish 294: follow me through the rubble
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
So here’s something interesting.
A couple weeks ago, Incoming Me got a bee in her bonnet about replacing my wallet.
It was weird because I love my wallet and see no need to replace it. My current process of slowly and gradually releasing everything that Does Not Spark Joy has resulted in a highly calibrated sense of joy sparks, and my wallet easily passes the joy spark test.
But Incoming Me wanted me to get a new one, specifically a protected one, and she kept poking me about it until I started researching wallets. At first I thought she meant something that could be hidden, but what she actually wanted was RFID shield.
We argued about this, which was both stupid and not stupid.
Stupid and not stupid.
Stupid, because Incoming me is always right, so why argue.
And also not stupid, because Nothing Is Wrong. I keep learning (and re-learning) that no, I can’t screw things up, no matter how much I argue with or ignore my wise internal counsel. This is good to remember.
Yes, things will be good if I follow her advice. And no, nothing is doomed if I don’t. Everything is already recalibrating to meet my new decision, just like when Siri says to go right and I go left.
Anyway, my argument was that there was no reason to replace the wallet that I love (an absolutely gorgeous Hobo wallet which I acquired brand new for a preposterously low sum of money when no one else bid on it on ebay), and anyway, why spend more money when there are already so many things that need replacing.
The Don’t Spent Money monsters won out for a while, but then Incoming Me said, “Listen to me. You don’t need a visible reason. The fact that a reason isn’t apparent doesn’t mean this isn’t the right move. I’m telling you that this is indicated and this is what needs to be done.”
So I took care of it.
I ordered both a wallet and passport holder. They arrived. The passport protector is great but the wallet is ugly. It did not spark joy and I didn’t want to use it. It went back into the box, and then the box got put on the floor and then, I don’t know.
The plan was to return it or exchange it, but then life has been even more busy than usual, and it just kept getting pushed to the bottom of the list.
Then this week I had to spend two entire days dealing with Fraud Detection Services and my bank, because over the course of two days all my cards were used by someone else.
It seems very likely the numbers were stolen via a card reader, because one of the cards I only use online and never in real life, and the other I use only in real life and never online, and both were compromised in the same two day period. I don’t use ATMs and thanks to the knee injury, I haven’t been anywhere someone could have gone through my wallet.
Anyway, someone made a charge of two thousand dollars to a clothing company in the UK, various other charges were made and I have been busy cleaning up this mess. In the meantime, all my cards have been canceled so I had to order new ones and then physically go to the bank and pick them up.
In short, it’s been annoying, exhausting, time-consuming.
But I didn’t make the connection
I was grumbling about this to myself, and then I asked Incoming Me for help, and she said, “Oh honey, I am so sorry. Nothing is wrong, babe. And no one is blaming you here. This is going to be fine.”
And I had no idea what she was talking about, why would anyone blame me for anything here. It’s just stupid bad luck.
PAUSE.
Ohhhhhhh.
Got it. This is why you told me to get the wallet. The one I didn’t use.
What else do I know about this?
Last week Incoming Me also told me to get new water bottles, and we didn’t agree on the number needed.
I was counting the green one in my bag (well, it belongs to the boy), and she said, no replace that one too, and I said we were already spending too much money on provisions for the trip to the desert.
Then this morning the green bottle slipped out of my hand while crossing a bridge, and it broke.
Speaking of bridges….
I asked Incoming Me what was good about spending the day at the bank.
She: What do you think?
Me: Well, I ran into Chris there. That was unexpected and kind of interesting. And also someone I know from Waltz Brunch. I don’t usually run into anyone outside of my neighborhood.
She: What does that make you think of?
Me: Berlin. The day after I decided to move to San Francisco. I was walking across the Oberbaumbrücke, and I saw three different people I knew. As if deciding to leave suddenly showed me I had built a life there. But it was also a sign that it was time to leave.
She: What else do you think of when you think of this?
Me: After I crossed the bridge, I met up with Sten and we walked in the park, and — oh! He said WHERE IS THE BRIDGE. He meant metaphorically, in relation to our conversation, but it ended up being a big clue, and then I went to San Francisco and a thing happened with the Golden Gate bridge, and then I moved to Portland aka Bridgetown, and now I am leaving because all the signs right now are exit signs.
All signs point this way.
Since September I have been trying to figure out how let go of everything so that I can go into Shmita: a sabbatical-like year of Easing and Releasing.
Last week something — a total shitstorm of a something — happened, something related to both my center (the Playground) and the chocolate shop that I am reluctantly in charge of.
I was sitting there, on the floor of the Playground, in shock. Trying to figure out if this grand falling apart of everything was as bad as it looked or a secret exit. Because if the past few years have taught me anything, it’s this: When I say “oh wow what a nightmare”, it invariably turns out that it’s actually “oh wow what a blessing”.
I know now to look at bad news and see it as Perceived Bad News That Is Probably Good. And at the very least it’s fine, it’s neutral, nothing is wrong.
But probably good. Because if Shiva the god of destruction and deconstruction and re-creation has just sent a tornado through my life, it’s a favor. The tornado is for me, and the igniting of everything is for me, so that I can finally see the glow-in-the-dark exit signs for me which say, “This way, my love, this way, the exit is this way, come follow me through the rubble, just follow the signs….”
And right now all signs point to Getting Out Of Here.
So I’m going to say thank you and follow them.
This requires all the superpowers of incoming me.
What are the superpowers?
- The Superpower of Marvelously Unfazed aka Full-Hearted Faith In Safety.
- Superpower of Transforming Spaces. Anything can be a space and therefore this moment is a space, and I can charge it up with magic, wonder and delight.
- Superpower of Joyful Courage
- Superpower of Rising Easily and Gloriously From The Ashes Like A Boss. Well, and Like A Phoenix.
- Superpower of This Moment Is New.
- Superpower of I Only Get Blessings So This Is A Blessing.
- Superpower of I Am A Bell of Easing & Releasing.
- Superpower of I can be in this moment by blessing it, and I don’t have to do anything for this to happen other than remember this. Abraham Joshua Heschel said just to be is a blessing, so there you are. I am here in this moment, here and aware that this moment is a blessing (noun and verb).
What do I know about what I want?
To exit gracefully, with a full heart of thank you.
To trust Incoming Me implicitly, to trust that what my wise self indicates is good for me.
To follow the signs.
Now.
My dining room table is covered with things I rescued from the Playground.
It is good that they are out of the Playground. It is good that we have these things. It is not good that they now live on my dining room table.
All week Incoming Me has been saying, “Hey babe, it’s time to move on this”, and I’ve been saying “yeah I’ll get to it after this other thing”, and now it is time to just do something about this. I’m not sure what that is.
So I’m just going to put this here:
If you want one of the amazing hand-made playful meditation cushions that were made especially for the Playground, send us a note. $12 + $10 shipping = $22. Yes, that is less than we paid for them. (these are sold out!)
If you want the original and only remaining copy of the Playground User Manual aka the PLUM, it’s $20 + $12.65 shipping = $32.65 (sold!)
If you want a handmade buttmonster: $22 + $5.95 shipping = $27.95
If you want a Playground mug and a pack of stone skipping cards: $30 + $12.65 shipping = $42.65
Anyway, send a note. Not sure about international shipping but Richard might know.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Everything about this situation is right. Even the things that seem like they are taking way too long, or taking you the wrong way around.
Me: That is really hard for me to accept.
She: You don’t have to accept it, my love. It’s true either way. You are okay. This is okay. In fact, this is a great place to be. There is so much love for you. Just keep following. And even if you don’t, I’m here.
Clues?
All the bridges are clues. And also this moment is a bridge.
The superpower of seeing beauty everywhere.
The quality for February on the 2015 Fluent Self calendar is APPRECIATE.
And the February superpower is I See Beauty Everywhere.
This is perfect because right now the beauty is in the falling apart, which means I get to appreciate something I wasn’t expecting to appreciate. And the beauty I see right now is the love and acceptance that future me has for me, the way she wants to take care of me.
Special wishes! Recommendations please!
Some things I need/want for the upcoming trip that I don’t have, or don’t spark joy. So I am receptive to recommendations from you, dear reader, as long as they elicit real JOY SPARKS for you! Not just something that works. Something that makes you smile.
- Cuticle cream
Ongoing wishes.
Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere. My business is thriving happily. This doesn’t require my input! I think like a dancer. Ha, it’s so perfect that things turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS. I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this. Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good. I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things, I state my preferences clearly, calmly and easily, and it is not even a big deal. I am ready to come into my superpowers and receive the gifts that are winging their way to me.
Things I find helpful when it comes to wishes…
Adventure. Rest. Horizons. Security. Passion. Sweetness. Clarity. Presence.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka a very clear kind of clear…
Yes, that was hilarious. Things are very, very, very clear right now. Not yet the peaceful lucid blue water clarity but headed in that direction.
And I ordered water bottles! Thanks for the help! Who knew it’s such a complicated mission, water bottles are an agonizingly pretentious world unto itself, as it turns out.
The Kor bottle is gorgeous except ohmygod the way they go on about how it’s actually a Hydration Vessel. Guys, guys. It’s a water bottle.
The S’Well bottles are so beautiful I can hardly stand it, and the electric eel color is serious joy sparks for me, but even once I got over the price (because really, I spend that much anyway when the cheaper ones keep falling apart) the reviews make it seem like not a good risk.
The BKR bottles are stunning until you read the copy on the site which made me want to never go to LA again. I could just sit around and hate-read the website all day. I may have gotten one anyway. They’re pretty appealing, even if I’m not the right audience for the descriptions.
And I ultimately went with Retap because they are beautiful and simple and apparently will not ever leak in my bag. Still working on the other ops. Thank you everyone for the suggestions!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play and throw things in the pot! With amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
Here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
xox