this is the 373rd week of wishing, come play!

and I’m off! (i)

this is the happy exclamation of the grand adventurer
off to be wild-and-free
somewhere new and beautiful
out there under the stars

it of course has other meanings
for example…
turning things off
I have exited the door and shut the lights
not available
there is no way to reach me
I’m done, I quit, going dark,
into the deep quiet

and I’m off (ii)

yesterday I took off for Boise, Idaho
with my four backpacks and my one-way ticket
it was the first time I haven’t felt nervous
about a big life change
just peaceful and clear
ready for whatever this is
I like it

after 131 days of being in between homes
ready for whatever new adventures await
and ready to be off
(and I’m off!)

a beautiful exit (i)

jordan gave me a ride to the airport
we danced in the car to A Long Walk
no need for words
no one planned this
just a moment of accidental angels in a constellation

a beautiful exit (ii)

I have an airport mantra that I whisper in my heart
and it makes me laugh:

I am a star and all doors open for me

all doors open for everyone at the airport
because they’re automatic doors
but I like circulating these words in me
letting them echo through the cathedral hall in my mind
wind their way through me
as I stride forward down the airport corridors
steadily crossing my imaginary finish line
feeling the rush of all doors opening just for me

naming the superpowers

what are the superpowers I want to call in or uncover
during operation wild freedom under the stars
what does a star require

what wisdom or suggestions does the me-at-the-close-of-this-chapter
have for me of right-now

what can I appreciate about the skills I have now
that allow me to be here now

stars (i)

ohmygod the stars here in Idaho
never have I seen even close to this many stars
not even when I lived in the northern negev desert
and we’d camp out in the wadi under that huge sky
thinking now about a wine bottle we buried there

stars (ii)

in the float tank I had a beautiful and startling vision
that showed me living inside of a planetarium
and there was no furniture, only a bathtub with
voluptuous curves
under the spectacular curving projected night sky
this felt exactly like that
except of course I still need a bathtub
and somewhere to put it

straight (i)

emily my sort-of-maybe-girlfriend not-a-girlfriend almost-girlfriend
from once upon a time used to make fun of me
for what she perceived to be my meandering paths
“you know, she’d say, with that laugh that I loved-loved-loved,
“or do you not know this, did you know
the shortest distance between two points
is a straight line”

but, I mean, who cares about straight,
lines or otherwise,
and who cares about whether or not the distance is shorter,
there is plenty of time and the most interesting path
is the one that draws me, not the one that has less length,
but I was so completely charmed by her
laughing happily each time she said it

when she broke up with me
there was this indescribable state of total
I don’t even know how to name it
— utter bewilderment in the face of loss? —
for months and months
life without her hand in mine and her
teasing about my unconventional trajectories
none of it made any sense

straight (ii)

last week the receptionist at my eye doctor said to me
“honey your problem is that you don’t look straight”
and I was like, wait what
I mean, come on, I feel like I successfully pull off a sort of
queer-lite low-femme probably-up-to-trouble kind of vibe
cute girls smile-flirt with me on the street
they know what’s up, they’re not slow
just not my type
(hey not everyone can be an emily)
but I definitely pass as straight too,
I’m at the very least medium-straight
so what are you even talking about

except haha it turned out she meant that
I kind of glance sideways in a way that
makes it more difficult to remove this new kind of contact lens
yes, okay, I have this sideways glance
and we are talking about my eyes
got it

and this is one of the many unsung (ha!)
benefits of being nonverbal
because that whole misunderstanding sorted itself out
in my head
which is considerably less embarrassing
than it could have been
lalala we’re good now

I am so very clear (i)

I have been obsessed with clarity lately, and all forms of clear
clearing out, clearing up, clear
like a bell
and this month’s superpower is
{I Am So Very Clear}

clearing the path so the path is clear
clear like after the rain
which is when the rainbows come out
and Awareness of Rainbows is my other superpower this month
and yes, I get how funny that is
because I didn’t mean that rainbow but of course that too because…

I am so very clear (ii)

whenever I heart-whisper my mantra of I Am So Very Clear
then Stella changes it to I Am So Very Queer
it’s her favorite joke
Stella is a star
she really is

get out and be (i)

while clearing things out in the basement storage room I found
a note from past-me
it says GET OUT AND BE HARD TO FIND

last week I wished a wish about
there are no doors for people to knock at
ahhhh yes
get out and be hard to find
this is also a wish about reducing input in all forms

get out and be (ii)

there is another meaning too though
about deep presence
and the conditions that make it possible to get out and be

that is my goal-desire for this time on the road:
get out and be

and this is hard to find
(get it? get out and be / this is hard to find)
because the game is rigged
and there is always somehow So Much To Do And Then Even More
even out in the middle of nowhere
so I need to make space for the just-being
to lovingly commit to being harder to find

what do I know about my wishes?

these are wishes of ENTERING
they’re about glow, trust, play, joy,
identity — of course, always,
and radiant boundaries
being a star among the stars
my shininess is ON and so
everything else can be off
(and I’m off!)
while I experiment with even deeper levels of quiet
even more intense commitment to my sparkliness,
and of course entirely new levels of awareness
of rainbows and everything else that asks for my
loving attention

the superpower of I Am So Very Clear

August was MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and now we are in INTENTION and I Am So Very Clear

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called Inventory
not sure how I would have packed without it
but it also helped me question a lot of the intangible things in my life
and release so much more than I ever thought possible

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

this is the 372nd week of wishing, come play!

inventory

my theme right now is inventory
in both literal and theoretical ways

what do I want in my space
what do I know about what’s in my space
what do I want to invite in or ask to leave
aka which doors need to open or close or disappear

this is a very immediate wish

I bought a one-way ticket to Boise, Idaho
leaving in a week
with not much of a plan other than to
a) not be here
b) not stay there

I have been promised hot springs
there may be a road trip to Kentucky
adventures will be adventured:
operation wild freedom under the stars

so I need to know what I have
to know what I might bring

this wish is external/internal

because I need to
provision myself for every possible kind of weather,
— ha, yes, weather could be external and internal too —
being very selective in my choices;
it all has to come with me on a plane

but there’s also the question of
what do I have — and want to have
in my mental/emotional/energy space
what circulates within me
what is the environment of my relationships
what is the environment of my thoughts

and again: that question about what needs to exit
can I show it the door

meaning

so, in that sense, this is a very conceptual wish
in addition to the part about
oh shit how do I pack for three months or more on the road
when I don’t know where I’m going
in every possible meaning of that
and I don’t even know what I have
because my stuff has been in boxes since january

what else about inventory

turning forty this year is a form of taking inventory
looking at my business legacy and what I want to leave
this is inventory

the question of [what is the water I swim in]
what do I surround myself with
not just in terms of objects and people
but ideas, concepts,
what is my normal
what is my edge

what is here

I want to always know exactly what I have
so I can want what I have
(more than want even, can I appreciate-celebrate what I have)
and let go of all the not-yeses

clear eyes clear heart
taking stock:
really, what is here
and do I even want it

what else?

time for newness in all things
I can feel this

what else?

I want to live on a houseboat
this is a proxy but also not a proxy
maybe this is related to the dream of the round house
which still calls to me

I want to find, meet, or reveal my just-right door
and build my home around that door
which only I can see

I want my space to glow and be invisible
refracting light like rainbows off a prism
there are no doors for people to knock at
because I do not have any

and maybe I have wished this before in another form

what do I know about my wishes?

I am ready for this mission of [Inventory]
before was not the time, even yesterday was not the time,
because now is the time
and trusting this was right

the superpower of deep listening

August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and I just walked past a bar called Muse, oh it has been so good for me to listen deeply, now I hear something like footsteps, it must be the month of INTENTION coming to meet me…

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called what do I want to circulate
and this wish is a continuation of that
a new examining of what is in my space

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡

Hello, week: we are here.

Thank you, week. Thank you, space to reflect.

{a breath for being here when we get here}

This is week 422 of this ritual, and so we chicken.

What’s been working?

Change your place, change your luck. Feet on the ground.

I might try…

Asking for company.

Naming the days.

Ease of transition. When I put my house in order. Surprise good brew! New place new luck. Clarity lands. Circulating Light. Let’s do this.

8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.

1. External circumstances disrupting sleep and causing physical discomfort/distress. I get it, I’m being redirected. I see the door marked exit opening for me. But in the meantime, need rest and a bed that doesn’t hurt my back. Solutions, please! A breath.
2. Examining my relationship with uncertainty: how much I crave it but also how small-me loses her footing and needs to be scooped up with love. Many mysteries here. A breath of presence.
3. My entire childhood was spent believing we were about to move countries at any moment, which then never happened, and as an adult, I have a tendency to unconsciously operate by “hmmm I’ll believe it when I see it”. Unsurprisingly, making plans for adventuring from this mindset is difficult, and I am discovering so much trust-pain in my heart. Breathing for now is not then.
4. A wistful wish: I want to live near friends and wander over to their house for tea like in tel aviv. Feeling sad and dissatisfied about this chopped up online life, everyone I care about is in a different time zone, busy with life-stuff, and we miss out on each other. And I see the pull of social media as a sort of substitute — snapshots of what people are seeing, thinking, hoping, eating, but it doesn’t work for me. I want to be out under the stars with the people I love. A breath.
5. Things I do not like that are a regular part of my life right now: extreme heat, mosquitos, the migraine that apparently will not end until I restore my crown. Also, as always, sexism, everywhere and in all things, and the way it somehow never loses its power to deflate all the balloons in the parade, which of course is why it exists. All the -isms and unquestioned power structures. A breath for this.
6. Situation that was already the worst has reached entirely new levels of What Fresh Hell Is This. I am hearing the no loud and clear but still don’t see the bridge. A breath for speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions.
7. Sensory overwhelm making it so difficult to be in the world. A breath.
8. Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.

8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.

1. Not being on twitter is delicious. It feels exactly like not smoking: ahhh so much more air, so much more spaciousness, combined with “oh right, I need a new way to take breaks”. Lovely to just not know about the toxic awful things circulating in the world. Obviously there are enormous quantities of magic beans of privilege involved that allow me to close the door to the bad news of the world, but oh how much highly sensitive me needed this. A breath for closing more doors.
2. Four days with my uncle, living in his world, which makes so much sense to me. He has no plans. Everything is quiet. He does what he wants, which is not much. We wander the woods and swing on the swings and pick blackberries and balance on things and visit a dog. We laugh a lot. Nothing needs to be said. He naps in the sun like a cat. We make salad for dinner and eat outside in rocking cheers and are visited by baby deer. A breath for all of this.
3. I want to live like he does. Writing, wandering, stretching, napping. Everything in his space is wood or cloth or metal. There is no plastic in sight and everything has a different vibration than in the rest of the world. He knows about sanctuary. He has almost no needs, and they are covered by renting out his place. A breath for reminders of what I want.
4. My instincts were right about the misunderstanding with the cowboy being just that. He came back four days early from his trip into the mountains and we sorted it out easily, with big love. A breath for trust love.
5. Incoming me is wise, and all I need to do is ask. A breath of appreciation.
6. Went dancing in Eugene, and had the loveliest time. Will never run out of awe for how unlikely dance magic is, to take the hand of a total stranger and be able to share three minutes of joyful creative play, the ease of communication, the delight in inventing something together in the secret language of dance. A breath of gratitude for all my panther training.
7. I named a day Clarity Lands, and it did. A breath for the magic of naming.
8. Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of lightness, being welcome, ginger soda, having what I needed when I needed it. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.

Superpowers I had this week…

Last week I asked for the powers of Feet On The Ground, which is fascinating because I forgot that I seeded this, and then undid the lifelong habit of crossing my legs.

And I asked for a mute button, and fewer people thought I was mute this week.

Powers I want.

In the gokhale workshops, they say something like “your body will not be able to tolerate being uncomfortable any more, it will ask you to adjust”, which is amazing and also scary-wonderful.

Like, what if this happens on all levels? What if I no longer tolerate emotional discomfort, mental discomfort, energy discomfort, and insist on making the necessary crown-on adjustments? This thrills me and terrifies me, and I would like the superpower of finding this Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple.

The Salve of Ridiculously Easy and Beautifully Simple

This is a salve of easing and releasing, echoing and reverberating, and it will make you bubble up with laughter.

This might also be the best ever fractal flower salve.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

This week’s band is from Pamela, who is hands-down the funniest person I know, even though I am never sure if she is trying to be or not. I am also appreciating that the band in this chicken was named for a rooster, which for some reason hits me right in the funny bone.

Too Handsome To Die

Their latest album is Unexpected Flags, and this band is just one guy.

Announcement time….

Quieting the monsters is one of the most useful self-fluency skills there is. You can buy the monster manual which is available here, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say. And it comes with a coloring book.

How was your week?

Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.

Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.

And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!

this is the 371st week of wishing, come play!

the briefest of wishes

I absconded to Eugene, sans laptop,
unsure if/when I might return
actually unsure about a lot of things,
maybe most things,
hence the sudden absconding,
and the act of [not-bringing my work] felt bold and
more than slightly terrifying
anyway, here we are with brief wishes

calling in the superpower of
knowing that [what is] is just right
aka Trust

breathing more breath

Esther Gokhale’s words keep reverberating in me:

“did you know some people
breathe just enough to stay alive?”

may I breathe full deep yes-to-life breaths (when I can)
taking in breath consciously (when I can)
with love (when I can)
circulating what I want to circulate

what do I want to circulate

in my internal world — body and thoughts and wishes
and in the world around me
including here

can I be someone who circulates light and lightness
is there something in this too about encircling
the circle that allows the circulating
a force field of glowing boundaries
my light circulates within

what is it like to be a star

and be Quick
through Slowness

that is a good question for this week’s wishes

illusory, again

I just don’t know what I want, I told my uncle,
making a face
oh that’s okay, he said, no one does,
knowing is illusory, and so is wanting

superpower of oh that’s okay then

easing, up

ease up the jaw clenching and all forms of clench
effortless relaxed upright steady
at ease in my superpowers:

Feet On The Floor
Majestically Grounded, Sitting Tall, Tail Unfurling Gloriously Behind Me
I Get My Powers From The Ground
I Get My Powers From My Light
I Get My Powers From My Quiet Presence

what do I know about my wishes?

they are about letting clarity land
which often involves applying the protocol of Extreme Self Care
and always involves trusting:
this moment of [not-knowing] is okay
it is safe to be in the uncertainty
even when I don’t like it
hello, void
this is where the stars are born

the superpower of deep listening

last month was HARMONY, with the superpower of hearing the melody, and August is MUSE, with the superpower of Deep Listening, and that is exactly what I am doing

thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being

last week’s wishes

last-week-me wished a wish called New Adventures Await,
and last night I bought a one-way ticket to
Boise, Idaho
my life is a country song!

but I feel tingly-excited because
buying a one-way ticket is maybe my favorite thing
and my You-Are-Not-Adventurous monsters are looking at their feet sheepishly
so there

invitation: come play with me…

you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome

deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code

safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving

wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing

here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes

♡